Staying true to the Nightingale Pledge

My life feels like a movie right now.  What is currently happening in the world feels like a movie.  It is just so surreal.

I never thought I would live to see the day when I would experience something similar to a zombie apocalypse. Okay, so maybe that is a little bit of an exaggeration. It's just that, for the first time in my life, I actually believe that the world might just be coming to an end.  

This corona virus (now termed as COVID-19) outbreak is bringing my anxiety to higher levels.  I say levels, because the levels are layered.  I am calm on the outside (thanks to my resting bitch face), but truly terrified inside.  I feel nothing and everything at the same time.  I think I might be losing it...my sanity. 

A few minutes left and the whole of UAE will be placed under lockdown.  There is something in the atmosphere that gives me the creeps.  I can smell tension and fear in the air.  Everyone in the Healthcare Sector is preparing for the worst.  The government here is not as transparent when it comes to the statistical updates of those inflicted with the virus, so as not to cause unnecessary panic and pandemonium. This lockdown will last for two weeks, or it can be extended, depending on the need.  Hopefully, the number of new cases will not increase rapidly.  Then we can all get back to our old, happy and free lives.  A large number of the workforce here, are required to stay at home.  It is unfortunate, that people working in the medical field cannot stay at home.  I wish nurses could work from home too. :(

Let me sigh that exhausted sigh.

Today, I had the rare chance to eat lunch with my colleagues.  That seldom happens, because on a normal, clinical duty day, I would be so busy, I would only be able to take a break after three in the afternoon. The doctor, to whom I am assigned to assist, do not take lunch breaks, so I can only eat after she leaves.  It felt great having to eat with them.  I was so used to eating alone.

Me and my colleagues, a week ago, in a very positive disposition.

It was  not busy in all of the clinics today.  The hospital management is trying to find ways to apply social distancing.  They are implementing measures to reduce the number of people coming to the hospital, since we are preparing for the situation to get worse.  As a result, the doctors in our department decided to be on duty in alternate weeks.  Lucky for them, they can decide to not come to work, and not have their paychecks cut in half.  It's a different story for us, nurses.  We can only do something if our nurse director approves of it.  

Since the number of patients will be greatly reduced, and our doctors will not be around all the time, we are obliged to help out in the busy areas.  I work in the Outpatient Department, and now we are asked (more like forced, haha) to help out in the wards.  I don't really know what the real score is, but something is going on, that we are not fully aware and informed of.  It's just my theory, that the inpatient nurses are exhausted, and some are already quarantined.  I can only theorize, because no one has really told us anything.  Most of us are still in the dark. 

I kept saying we should savor benign duties, like what we had today.  "This is the calm before the storm."  It turns out I really did not know what I was speaking of. 

Well, early this evening, I got a call and found out, that tomorrow, I get to join those who were already assigned to our screening area.  I will be one of those who will do the test, to patients who have symptoms of the dreaded virus.  They said we will be provided with the full PPE, so I need not be afraid.  

Truthfully, I am not sure of what I feel.  I am afraid because I have yet to acquire a new skill, and I do not want to be bad at it.  I am not scared of going out there and putting myself at risk.  I firmly believe that if it's my time, then it's my time.  I wholeheartedly think that agreeing to do this, gives real meaning to my chaotic life.  For the longest time, I was feeling so useless.  Now I get to have a deep sense of purpose.  One that entails putting one of my feet in a grave.  

I never thought my life would turn around... just like this.  One moment, I was just taking life as easy as I can, and then, sooner than I ever thought, I would need to face something so monstrous and serious. 

So help me God.