Random rant after a long while

Took me a long time to write something again.  I thought I would be writing more often, but my life took a different turn. 

Currently, the whole world is battling a pandemic.   This has been going on for months now, and I honestly do not know when all of this would be over.  

Regarding work, I thought I would find myself in the screening center, wearing those Hazmat suits and all... but I only spent one day there. My doctor was upset that I had to be assigned in the screening area.  As my manager put it, she made so much fuss. I was brought back in OPD.  While all of my colleagues from the department were sent to the wards to help, I was left behind alone in the clinic. With five doctors and all. At times, it was hard for me too, especially when two doctors would need me at the same time. Talk about being unable to cut my body in half! Haha!  Took only a few weeks when something  happened, which changed everything. 

My colleagues started getting infected with Covid-19.  From our department alone, half of the staff were afflicted with the virus.  The management decided to stop the clinic operations. All of us were direct contacts of each other, so we all had to undergo the swabbing (nasty thing if you ask me). That's when we found out, 7 of us were infected.  Where was I deployed? In the ward, of course.

Need I say more? 

I was a nurse working in the outpatient, whose last bedside experience was more than a decade ago. I was more than out of my comfort zone.  The nurse-patient ratio was crazy because a lot of the staff were on quarantine.  It was so stressful, not to  forget to mention how physically exhausting it was.  I had to drink all of the tension away. I have become an alcoholic over the course of this pandemic! Haha! Wine for the win! 

Three swabs later, here I am. Still alive. Covid free. I have long felt numb about the virus infecting me.  I am  more scared of the workload, than the virus itself.  My world suddenly changed, and I had to adapt, or else I would be swallowed whole.  

I cannot say if I am happy with  my life right now.  I think I am depressed.  I have to set my mind real hard before I can get up and prepare for work. It's like I am forcing myself every time.  There were also days when I would feel like such a failure.  I lost confidence in my inpatient skills because I have been in OPD for so long.  Everything was new. Even all the equipment.  It was like I went to fight a battle I was never prepared for. 

They say everything happens for a reason. I can't think of any reason now.  Maybe it will be revealed to me in the coming days. Right now, there is nothing to look forward to.

I miss paddling so much. It's the one thing that truly makes me happy.